Let’s face an uncomfortable truth: women are often judged and shamed for daring to put themselves first. In a society that glorifies selflessness in women, prioritizing our own well-being can feel like a radical act. We’ve internalized this message to the point where even the thought of investing time and resources in our own personal growth triggers feelings of guilt. This phenomenon is especially common among midlife women, who grew up with the messaging that we are here to serve and appease. Although women were entering the workplace, domestic expectations didn’t shift or lesson. But here’s the truth: neglecting our own needs doesn’t make us better caregivers or more virtuous individuals. It only leaves us feeling depleted and unfulfilled.

Let’s make one thing clear.

We’re not talking about neglecting our loved ones or shirking responsibilities. What we’re really talking about is this relentless cycle of putting everyone else’s needs above our own,  regardless of the personal cost. It’s running on fumes, saying yes when we want to say no, and constantly seeking validation through people-pleasing behavior.

This drive to seek validation is driven by the pressure to live up to impossible expectations. And with a smile, of course. It’s like society (the patriarchy – but that’s a whole other story) has already decided what should bring contentment and joy to us Gen X and older women – a picture-perfect life with a happy marriage, well-behaved kids, and financial stability. And if we happen to tick off all those boxes, daring to voice any discontent is seen as downright selfish. And taboo! It’s falling right into the selfless trap, where society’s relentless messaging that being selfless is praiseworthy blinds us to our own needs and desires.

What about people-pleasing?

Let’s get back to people-pleasing for a moment. People-pleasing, often seen as a virtue, is actually a harmful behavior that erodes our sense of self-worth and stunts personal growth. Saying yes to everything and everyone just to avoid disappointing others, isn’t kindness—it’s self-sabotage.

It’s time to rewrite the narrative and reclaim our power.

Of course, kindness and consideration are essential aspects of being human.We naturally want to help others, and acts of kindness contribute to the beauty of life.  But there’s a stark difference between genuine kindness and people-pleasing. People-pleasing behavior is driven by the desire for validation from others, often at the expense of our own well-being. True kindness seeks nothing in return, and is unconditional. 

Mindshift Strategies

Understanding the tangled web of societal expectations and the myth of selflessness can be a game-changer when it comes to alleviating guilt. Here are some ways we can practice letting go of the guilt:

• Reframe Self-Care as a Necessity, Not a Luxury: Shift your mindset to view self-care as an essential part of your overall well-being, just like eating healthy or getting enough sleep. Recognize that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for you to show up as your best self for others.
  
• Set Boundaries and Stick to Them: Establish clear boundaries that prioritize your needs and values. Learn to say no when necessary, without feeling guilty or obligated to explain yourself. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out—it’s about honoring your own needs and respecting yourself.
  
• Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and treat yourself with the same level of compassion and understanding that you extend to others. Acknowledge that it’s okay to make mistakes and that you’re deserving of love and care, just like everyone else.
  
• Challenge the Guilt Narrative: When feelings of guilt arise, question where they’re coming from. Are they based on societal expectations, another person’s  or internalized beliefs? Challenge the guilt narrative by reminding yourself that prioritizing your own well-being isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for your mental, emotional, and physical health.
  
• Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Surround yourself with friends, family, or a supportive community who understand and respect your need for self-care and boundaries. Having a strong support system can help validate your feelings and reinforce the importance of self-prioritization.

We can empower ourselves to break free from the chains of guilt. It’s time to flip the script, defy the taboo, and unapologetically advocate for our own well-being.

Say it loud, say it proud: self-prioritization is not selfish—it’s essential. Let’s own it, sisters!

• Seek Professional Help if Needed: If feelings of guilt persist or significantly impact your daily life, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. A trained professional can help you explore and address underlying issues contributing to your guilt and develop healthy coping strategies.